Contemplate, Ruminate, Meditate… but don’t stagnate!

“I want freedom for the full expression of my personality”.
-Gandhi

Hello My Lovely,

I was thinking about you and how you used to enjoy the quotes I once posted and I figured that if you appreciated them, you might also like some of my favourite snippets of inspirational literature too. As you’ve probably noticed, I like the older stuff mostly. Reading these little gems can make the difference between having a so-so day and a great day, so here’s to many more great days for all of us, this blog is for you…

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“An unexamined life is not worth living”
-Socrates

Who am I, and why am I here?” – this is something I’ve been asking myself for many years. If you do this as well, then maybe we could explore a little together? Perhaps you’ve read a great book at just the right time when you needed the information in it, or maybe you saw a good quote that spoke volumes to you and want to share it with everyone else? Let’s face it there’s doom and gloom, here-say and gossip in abundance, it’s got ample coverage elsewhere, so I’d like to make a little space here where we can take a moment from our day to think bigger and better thoughts – to encourage each other and leave behind all the negativity for a while. We’re all teachers and learners in life and even if there are no gold stars, there’s certainly no need for anyone to feel either stupid or clever, so let’s just walk side by side and see where the journey takes us?

“Friends have all things in common”.
-Plato

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…At age 16 I found a typed piece of paper in a drawer at work, left behind by the person who held the post before me. The first time I read it, it made so much sense to me that I kept it in my purse for many years after, taking it out to read when I felt sad or dejected or lacking inspiration. Around ten years later I found it in a book I read and since then I’ve bought more copies of that one book than any other, to give to friends old and new. It’s one of my all time favourite books to this day and this beautiful work is called ‘The Prophet’ by Khalil Gibran. The section I carried around with me was called ‘Friendship’.

Friendship

“And a youth said, “Speak to us of Friendship.”
Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And he is your board and your fireside.
For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.
When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the “nay” in your own mind, nor do you withhold the “ay.”
And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.
When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.
And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.
And let your best be for your friend.
If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.”

-Khalil Gibran
‘The Prophet’

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… And then years later when my kids were small I discovered Louise Hay and a book she wrote called ‘You Can Heal Your Life’. Louise apparently was cured of cancer by changing her diet, lifestyle and most importantly – her thinking. One of my close friends had died of lung cancer just prior to my reading this book and I only wished I could have read it sooner and made a gift of it to her. Louise has done some wonderful work with people suffering from all kinds of serious illness, (for which she coined the term ‘dis-ease’). She’s done some great work with people affected by aids (she never uses capital letters for the illness and refuses to give it that much power).

“Every thought we think is creating our future”.
-Louise L. Hay

When I discovered this book I’d been very troubled, without knowing the reason why and had decided to go and see a healer. She turned out to be a lively 92 year old woman, who was full of positivity and Love, and she gave me the cassette of a relaxation/meditation that was companion to the above mentioned book. I listened to it at every opportunity because I knew it helped, even though I didn’t understand some of what Louise was saying. What I did know was that it felt good to hear it and that was enough for me. From listening to the cassette I wanted to read the book and soon began working with the ideas in it… it wasn’t long before my life was upside down. It seems that if we want Peace, that sometimes there’s a storm before the Calm, but it was a price that I still consider worth paying. In the book Louise quoted a line from ‘A Course In Miracles’ and that one line made me think deeply enough to go on to read the Course, it was:

“Would you rather be right, or happy?”.

-A Course In Miracles

I know what I’d choose, although I do have to keep reminding myself though ;) . Here is a light-hearted video a friend told us about (Thanks Doug!), ‘A Crash Course In Miracles’, which I enjoyed watching. It’s a fun way to be introduced to the Principles outlining the Course:


What Khalil Gibran, Louise Hay and The Course (A Course In Miracles – also known as ACIM for short) suggest is that we ALL need more Love in our lives.

“One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life:
That word is Love”.
-Sophocles

In talking about The Course, I can’t not mention the beautiful passage written by Marianne Williamson, that I first heard quoted a long, long time ago (only it was mistakenly attributed to Nelson Mandela at the time). This is an excerpt from Marianne’s book ‘A Return to Love’:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won’t feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others”.

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So if you like what you’ve just read, please comment away, let’s discuss – and you don’t even have to give your real name if you don’t want to, it’s all up to you. Either way I look forward to hearing from you about this subject….

“All our progress is an unfolding, like a vegetable bud. You have first an instinct, then an opinion, then a knowledge as the plant has root, bud, and fruit. Trust the instinct to the end, though you can render no reason”.

-Emerson

Love and Respect to each and every one of you,
Soo x:)

PS: Each of the authors mentioned in this blog has their name as a clickable link, should you wish to check them out further.

I read this poem today for the first time and wanted to add it to this post:

Thoughts Are Things

I hold it true that thoughts are things;
They’re endowed with bodies and breath and wings;
And that we send them forth to fill
The world with good results, or ill.
That we call our secret thought
Speeds forth to earth’s remotest spot,
Leaving its blessings or its woes
Like tracks behind it as it goes.
We build our future, thought by thought,
For good or ill, yet know it not.
Yet, so the universe was wrought.
Thought is another name for fate;
Choose, then thy destiny and wait,
For love brings love and hate brings hate.

Henry Van Dyke

 

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Another year, another tear, another beer and a couple of T’s

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“Even though we’ve changed and we’re all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we’ll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we’re not all still friends.”

It’s Christmas time again (and Yule etc) but I like to think of this time of year mostly as ‘the season of goodwill to all men’, let’s bank it while we can and save some for the rest of the year when it’s in short supply.

“Love is saying ‘I feel differently’ instead of ‘You’re wrong.’”

My thoughts go out to those spending their time alone, as well as those duty bound to be with people they’d rather not.  There’s alcohol everywhere, and that brings to mind those who have made the brave decision to be sober, this must surely be the most difficult time of year for them (I salute your resolve and wish you well).

“Let us treat men and women well; treat them as if they were real. Perhaps they are”

There really is more to life I think than getting lashed; I’m an ‘all things in moderation’ kind of gal myself but I hasten to add that I’m not here to pass judgment on anyone else, we all have different needs and experiences that help shape us and how we enjoy our lives.

 “Don’t be too timid and squeamish about your actions, all life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better”

There’s a lot of pressure on us these days from the media, they tell us we need to wear the right designer labels, drive the right car, have the right partner, own the right house etc. etc. etc. They tell us that if we don’t have these things, then we’re simply useless tossers who are pitifully lacking and show us how the ‘other half’ lives, to rub it in.

“Things are in the saddle and ride mankind”

I don’t see myself as ‘less than’ or ‘more than’, particularly not for such hollow reasons. We all have a choice to either consume the contents of the nosebag put in front of us and swallow it whole, or take another route to find our green pasture. Thoughts have much more power than we give them credit for and to let someone else tell you what yours are should be a crime.

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us”

When it comes to following a herd I’ve never felt that was my personal journey, even if it meant that the ride was rougher and required more contemplation to go it alone. That doesn’t mean that I don’t want to own a nice house, or drive a flash car, enjoy wearing nice clothes or have the right kind of partner.  I also wouldn’t look down on (or up to) anyone else who does.

It’s a wonderful life if you can get it and of course one I wouldn’t mind but I don’t believe the acquisition or ownership of any of those things has anything to do with real worth. Considering I possess none of them I guess I’d be crying in my tea if I thought otherwise.

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“Death comes to all, but great achievements build a monument which shall endure until the sun grows cold”

On Tuesday I was at my Aunt Olive’s funeral, which was playing, unsurprisingly, to a packed house. She was 86 years old when she died, and had led a life of complete selflessness; much like the rest of her family (including my Mum) who went before her. She was my favourite and last living Aunt and I will miss visiting her very much, and tending to her roses for her in the summertime. She was a brave and courageous woman and an inspiration to me, not least because she was a single parent who brought up seven children after her husband ran off with another woman.

She made the best of everything and was always down to earth and welcoming, there was real heart in her home. She leaves not only my seven cousins, but grandchildren, great grandchildren and extended family and friends. She will be sorely missed by all and it’s the end of an era for the family. If any of the material things I mentioned earlier really were some kind of gauge of what’s most important in life, then perhaps my Aunt Olive (like me) would’ve rated quite low on the scale, yet not one of the people whose lives she touched is likely to ever forget her kindness, her humour, her smile or her gentle and understanding nature.

Aunt Olive xmas 2011

“Love and you shall be loved”

She was frail when I saw her in hospital the night before she died and she couldn’t speak, but she held my hand when I placed it in hers. She was a woman of few words anyway and had always spoken most by her deeds. It was easy to sit there and tell her why she’s so loved and why she had no cause to fear whatever was to come. She’d said a month or so ago that she was ‘ready to go’ and that she ‘wanted to spend this Christmas with her own family’, her brothers and sisters. I wouldn’t be surprised if she got her wish, she certainly earned that and much more. She also said that she wanted people to wear bright colours to her funeral and not to be miserable – I wore my leopard print coat; I think she would’ve approved. I consider myself very blessed to have had her in my life for so long. When I think about it, she was also one of the very few people who didn’t bat an eyelid when she saw my now famous haircut; I told her on her deathbed just how much it meant to me that she hadn’t judged me when so many others had.

“That which we persist in doing becomes easier for us to do; not that the nature of the thing itself is changed, but that our power to do is increased”

 I want to thank those of you who have dropped by the Dotty Rebel Store and ordered the new Soo Catwoman shirts, we’re pleased to hear that some of you have them already.

swindledSwindled for Rock ‘n’ Roll’ was an inspired idea that came to me in the middle of the night a few weeks ago. I had scribbled in pencil on a scrap of paper by my bedside so I wouldn’t forget to tell Dion about it in the morning. When I told her she thought it was a great idea and set to work to make it happen.

“Art is a jealous mistress”

  Every night after getting home from her day job she worked on the designs, also coming up with the ‘Viva La Cat’ idea. I think they’re great t shirts, I’d go so far as to say that I think they’re our best yet ;) .

I’m looking forward to seeing photos of youviva wearing your shirts on Facebook. Please share your pictures with us and don’t be a stranger. We apologise that the shirts weren’t ready earlier (in time for Christmas) but there has been so much going on, as I’m sure you can imagine.

I hope it won’t take me a year to write another blog! Be well and happy in 2013. You can leave a comment below. I’d be grateful if you could start it with ‘Dear Soo’ since WordPress seems to get its fair share of spam comments and it will help me sort through them. All the very best to you!

Soo x :)

(All quotes in italics by Ralph Waldo Emerson).

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An Old Fashioned Christmas…

It doesn’t seem possible that a year has gone by since I wrote this…

Mistletoe

Sitting under the mistletoe
(Pale-green, fairy mistletoe),
One last candle burning low,
All the sleepy dancers gone,
Just one candle burning on,
Shadows lurking everywhere:
Some one came, and kissed me there.

Tired I was; my head would go
Nodding under the mistletoe
(Pale-green, fairy mistletoe),
No footsteps came, no voice, but only,
Just as I sat there, sleepy, lonely,
Stooped in the still and shadowy air
Lips unseen—and kissed me there.

Walter de la Mare (1913)

I think the less said about the last year the better for me.  As the festive season is creeping nearer and after all the sadness and tears of last Christmas (which never really happened in our house) – we’re getting into the spirit of it this year.  In December 2010 there were no cards sent (or displayed), no decorations, no presents – nothing Christmassy at all in fact, just a long sojourn in the metaphorical cave, where I spent the best part of a year – but that was what was needed to get through it – but I’m determined that this year is going to be different and I’m doing my best to get into the spirit of it.

Since the kids were little we always put our Christmas tree up on December 1st and took it down on New Year’s Day, the lights seemed to help us get through the darkest month and once again, this year it sits resplendent in the corner.  When Shem and Dion were teenagers they decided that rather than me buying them presents to wrap in secret and leave under the tree, that they preferred to have the money to spend as they saw fit.  It was an arrangement I agreed to at the time but it also took a bit of the joy out of Christmas for me.  This year we’re making up for it though, Shem came up with the idea of us all making an Amazon Wish List and it’s proving to be lots of fun. It’s nice to know that you’re buying something someone actually wants and not condemning them to take anything back to the shops if you got it wrong. Some people have scorn for wishlists, why I don’t know, it’s not as if my kids are twisting my arm to buy them presents, I’m hardly going to do so if I don’t want to. For some of us it takes the trudging and the madding crowds out of Christmas and that’s just wonderful as far as I’m concerned. If you haven’t made one yet already I highly recommend it, it saves a lot of legwork and getting cold, which works for me.

Usually like many other mothers I tend to put myself last, and when anyone has asked me what I want for Christmas in the past I generally opted for something useful in the home, but the Wish List is helping to cure me of that and I’ve even put a few of my pipe dreams on there, mind you there’s a lot of crap I’d actually never buy myself too lol (have to sort that out).  Even if all I get is some tea light candles or a set of colour coded chopping boards or a Scott Walker or Van Morrison CD to replace one of the ones I’ve worn out, I know I’ll be very happy and grateful for my gifts because this year we’re going to do it right.  The nice thing about the Wish List is that you still find you’re selective about what you want to get for someone, so it doesn’t take all the imagination out of buying presents, there are still choices to be made.  There are already a few under the tree and there’ll be a few more to come, and the funny thing is that after last year, I feel none of the pressure of planning the ‘perfect Christmas’ – I know that whatever happens will be enough for me.  I’ve put the Christmas tree in the corner of the room where Larry’s picture hangs and it feels as if beyond all the grief of losing him, that we’ll have an invisible Christmas guest this year.  When I read the poem above, it was him that came to my mind and he felt a little bit closer somehow.  Finally I can recall the wonderful person he was beyond all the bad treatment and pain he endured, so I’ll be looking for that kiss on the cheek this Christmas, even if it is in my imagination, I might even leave a bottle of real ale under the Christmas tree for him.  I know that there’ll be times when I’ll miss him for the rest of my life and the hardest thing has been to try and find some closure when there’s been no justice for Larry.  I’ve accepted now that there likely never will be, but he’s beyond things like that now and I want to remember him for his sense of humour, warmth and generosity and be thankful that he graced my life for so long.  He was so much more than a brother – he was also my friend.

“Don’t be dismayed by good-byes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends”
~ Richard Bach

I really wanted to wish each and every one of you the best Christmas ever and as we say goodbye to another year I hope the new one brings you closer to your dreams.  If you fancy adding me to your Christmas card list you can send them to me via here (please don’t send them ‘to be signed for’ as that service isn’t provided). Thank you very much for the ones we’ve already received.

Soo
Lucasland
P O BOX 64221
LONDON
NW1W 9ZR
UK

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(The image  at the top of the page is  ‘An Old-Fashioned Christmas’ by HBKerr Digital Art, who is in no way associated with this blog.)
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Spot The Difference!

This is a picture of me taken in 1976 by Ray Stevenson ————–>

<—This is a picture of Judy Croll (according to IMDB’s information on the movie ‘The Great Rock ‘n’ Roll Swindle’). My image was stolen in order to pass Judy off as me in that film.

Why is it that *some* people still think this was me?  I know many of you reading this probably don’t but there are those out there who still do.  Shem tells me that he’s noticed that people often post this girl’s naked pic on their blogs, stating that it’s me – IT’S NOT ME!!

I may have sneered now and then, but poor Judy looks downright humiliated! Why would anyone want to perpetuate that agony by reposting this pic? Being filmed naked at the impressionable age of 14 may well be something she might not now be so proud of, assuming she’s still around, and even if not I hope she has more than this to be remembered for.

If you look at Judy’s facial features you will see that her bone structure is completely different to mine, as is the shape of her face.  The make up itself is a pretty shoddy attempt too, then when you check the hair, not only is the hairline completely different but this version of my haircut is really pretty crappy. Judy’s forehead is much more square than my own and her face is much thinner. You also may have noticed in close up pictures that I have a scar on my forehead, which can confirm which pictures are of me. I’m sure you all know that I got a barber to shave the middle of my hair off at his shop in Ealing, West London, so the film implying that my hairdo was all Malcolm’s idea and cut by Helen is ridiculous. Even Judy’s flat chest should have given it away and I’m not sure how I can be confused with someone with no chest at all. Of course at 14, some people don’t yet have a chest to boast about and my beef is not with Judy in any of this, I think she was used. I don’t understand why a 14 year old was put in that position in the first place though, or why she seems to be covered in bruises! These days such things would be considered child porn, which may have had something to do with the digital addition of underwear on the video release.

As a mother myself I can’t understand how anyone would want to manipulate a minor in this way, let alone do so in my name! So if you think that movie was ‘cool’ and see nothing wrong with it then I sincerely hope you don’t have daughters, or that you watch it just for the Sid clips. I have never been able to work out why a 14 year old child was chosen to play me in the first place, since I was 22 years old in 1976. More to the point is the fact that I have never been photographed naked, which means that the portrayal had nothing to do with me (or reality) AT ALL, even though my image was stolen and sold down the river (once again with no financial gain for me whatsoever) we were both used.

I don’t think I’m a prude and if you just happen to feel great about being photographed nude (and you are not underage) then that’s fine with me, but for me to be portrayed in this way as someone I’m not has caused me and my family a lot of grief. It’s also been pretty annoying all these years for my kids. Their schoolfriends used to find that photograph attached to my name and if it was embarrassing to me, it was more embarrassing to them to have to explain it. Who’d choose to be mistaken for a mouldable child who was used (and possibly abused) for the titilation of grown men who were old enough to know better? Not me. It might be something that would make some people happy in their search for 15 minutes’ fame – for me it’s a huge insult.

So if you write a blog and mention me in it, please check that any pictures you include are actually of me. I’ve noticed that many people also don’t bother to include the name of the photographer and it’s just common courtesy to do so, if nothing else. Most of them were taken by either Ray Stevenson or Bob Gruen. If in your blog you discuss the film ‘The Great Rock N Roll Swindle’ then it had nothing to do with me (or reality) and the only way any mention of me would belong there at all is if you wanted to point to this blog to help me get the word out.

I do wonder where Judy’s mum was in all this?  You’d think she must’ve been aware at some point what her daughter was up to? I know I would never have let Dion do anything like this at such a tender age. If she decided to do it now at 23 (25 now!) of course she’d have my full support and that would be her own choice because she’s an adult and can make her own decisions.

I’ve had to crop the above image of Judy in order to post it since I don’t want to circulate the full shot, but if you should come across the naked picture of Judy anywhere attached to my name or not, please do me a favour and report it as inappropriate. Perhaps if it’s claiming she’s me you could point out to the poster that they have it wrong – I’d be grateful. I like to think she would be too. I’m sure if Judy’s out there somewhere that she may not want to be reminded of this unfortunate time in her life, she could even be a mother herself by now.

While we’re on this subject, a friend of a friend bought a Jamie Reid poster for him costing a cool £900 on Ebay. It was advertised as an art print of a photograph of ‘Soo Catwoman’. When he recieved it though, it was actually a photo of Judy’s face, so perhaps Jamie didn’t even know who I was? The friend sent it to Dion and myself after we offered to deface it for him and he now feels much better about framing and displaying it. Perhaps I’ll get a picture from him and upload it to show you sometime.

-Soo :x )

PS: punk webmasters, please sort your tags out. Debbie Juvenile and her bondage pics have nothing to do with me, why is my name on them?

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“As soon as you’re ill, they kill you!”

I wanted to  update this post and condense it down a bit as it was all so raw when I wrote it but it’ll have to wait for another day as I’m finding it difficult to just read through it, let alone re-write it.  I’ll always miss Larry and two years on I still miss him every bit as much as when I wrote this.  I know I was blessed to have had a brother like him and I am starting to remember more of the happier times we spent together and smile about them.  That doesn’t mean that I will ever consider the way he died okay. But it is a start x

“As soon as you’re ill, they kill you!”
–       Derek and Clive (Peter Cook & Dudley Moore)

Alternatively:
“How people die remains in the memory of those who live on”
-Dame Cicely Saunders

Here we are in March 2011 and it’s almost spring, there are signs of life waiting to burst forth from the trees and flowers and it can’t come soon enough for me.  It’s been a rough, long and cold winter, with more snow in London again this year.  I’m not a great fan of snow myself, nor freezing temperatures, mostly because I find it impossible to keep my hands and feet warm, no matter what I wear.  For many reasons I am looking forward to spring and summer in the hopes that they will finally melt the ice that has taken up refuge in my heart.  If the cold weather wasn’t enough to chill me to the bones, November also brought the untimely death of my wonderful and very well loved brother Larry.  It was not a quick, nor painless death and three times I witnessed him in a state of mortal terror at his unfolding fate, crying (for the first time in his life) but without being able to make any tears.  Although Larry had a cycling accident in France at the end of June 2010 there were a series of fortunate incidents that helped him to cling to life.  The turning point came when he was brought to the UK and had to endure a series of calamities that no one should have to go through, least of all someone in such a delicate state.

Larry’s death was hastened when he was put on ‘The Liverpool Care Pathway’, something I had never even heard of before I witnessed it in action first hand.  When researching it I found out that it was created to assist elderly terminally ill cancer patients to die, preventing their continued suffering when there was no hope whatsoever of recovery.  It sounded a lot like euthanasia to me, although I thought that was illegal in this country, as I had heard of cases where terminally ill people wanted to go to other European countries to end their lives but were often prevented from doing so.  Now in the UK, the LCP is being rolled out in a lot more situations and settings with a ‘tick box system’, so that just about anyone who presents a challenge to their medical team can now be placed on it.

Larry Lucas and Roland Lucas, Soo Catwoman's brothers

Larry and Roland Lucas on a diving holiday in Gozo.

I read with interest that there were many eminent professionals in palliative care (Professor Peter Millard, Emeritus Professor of Geriatrics, University of London, Dr Peter Hargreaves, a consultant in Palliative Medicine at St Luke’s cancer centre in Guildford, and four other people) who have objected to the way this scheme is operated and their concerns about it, stating that ‘forecasting death is an inexact science’.  They wrote an open letter to the Daily Telegraph in 2009 to express their concerns publicly (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/comment/letters/6133157/Dying-patients.html).  I would like to thank each and every one of them for speaking out and I hope that the scheme will be looked at more closely at some point as a result.

In Larry’s case, he was not ‘terminally ill’ at all in the accepted sense, nor did he have cancer.  I have read a great deal now about The Liverpool Care Pathway and how it is claimed to be so ‘humane’ for those with terminal illness, yet it was used in the case of my brother and in my humble opinion was anything but humane.  I will always believe that he should never have been placed on the scheme at all.  I watched him being dehydrated and starved to death, unable to do anything to stop the nightmare from unfolding before my eyes.  It was like watching a murder or a sacrifice, committed by unthinking and unfeeling aliens.  He suffered a great deal, not just due to the stress, hopelessness, ignorance and poor care but also because people so often forgot that just because a person can’t talk that their ears work perfectly well, the hospital chaplain being one case in point who was having a charming conversation about sandwiches when I arrived in his room the day before he died.  I don’t know about you but talking about food at the bedside of a starving and dehydrated man does not seem to me to be showing compassion.  I didn’t bother to take her to task and waste what would be the last visit with my brother but was glad when she scurried out of the room.  Suffice it to say that Larry’s was not an easy, nor a timely death.  I believe with all my heart that he should and would still be here if he had either remained in France or received the proper care.  He couldn’t even complain about his treatment because he developed hydrocephalus and couldn’t speak, although there was no explanation forthcoming about how that happened, or why it wasn’t picked up on sooner.  We have our suspicions but of course no one will now ever listen to them.  Brain injuries, like strokes, can take a long time to recover from but this seems to have escaped everyone concerned in Larry’s care.  He did not heal according their schedule, how unreasonable of him?

The first grave error was his removal from the state-of-the-art French hospital he was in after the accident when only four weeks had passed, almost two of which he spent in coma.  I was surprised they allowed his release at all but don’t know any of the details.  He was flown back to the UK with six broken ribs and a broken collarbone, and after having had brain surgery and a tracheotomy and before the bone flap had been replaced, so had no protection for the injury site of his brain.  It takes up the three months for the injury site to repair itself and the flap is only replaced after the healing is well underway and all chance of complications or the need for further surgery is over.  Despite all this he was not taken straight to another brain injury unit on arrival in the UK.  London has a very good brain injuries unit, perhaps several, but instead he ended up in some backwater in a general hospital, where they seemed to have no clue how to treat him.  He also contracted MRSA the day he arrived there.  I noticed on their website that they claimed NO cases of MRSA.

It’s all too late for Larry; we can’t bring him back of course.  Some people console themselves with the fact that they believed that he was a mere vegetable, rather than seeing any signs of the fit and healthy person they used to know before.  Perhaps they thought that life in his condition was no life at all and were agreeable to the ending of his life, of course I can’t speak for anyone else.  I knew that Larry wasn’t a vegetable, I spoke to him at great length, asking a great deal of questions and asking for a ‘yes/no’ response with the movement of a hand or a foot, once for ‘yes’ and twice for ‘no’, repeating the questions several times to make sure the answers were consistent.  This was also done by and witnessed by another brother, who was also communicating well with him.  Between us we asked him if he knew what had happened to him – he didn’t remember much about the accident itself.  We asked if he knew where he was – he knew he was in a hospital.  We asked if he knew why he was there and what had happened, and I also explained that the reason why some of his limbs didn’t work, as they should, was because of the injury and resulting surgery to his brain, rather than a physical disability – he hadn’t known this.  Most importantly, we asked him if he wanted to live, even if it meant that he’d never walk again and he gave a definite ‘yes’ on both counts, again and again, that to be alive was what he wanted, in fact he got very animated when asked this question as if he believed we could do something about his fate.  He wanted to fight his illness and was raring to give it his all.  I also observed that since his accident, Larry had never looked so much like his old self as he did after they stopped giving him the antibiotics.  He perked up no end and was much more alert, responding to the music and sound files that my brother played to him.

We tried to let the doctors know that he had made improvement, but it fell on deaf ears.  They treated us as an irritation at best and like troublemakers at worst for having the audacity to question their decisions.  We had known Larry for a lifetime, he was someone we loved and believed in, and we were familiar with his (and our) upbringing and mental agility, as well as his fighting spirit.  We pleaded with them for two weeks’ grace, for Larry to have a chance to show improvement and fight the aspirational pneumonia that had failed to respond to the ultra broad-spectrum antibiotics, the drugs they had described as ‘the big guns’, which we believed actually made him worse.  They refused to remove him from the LCP and his care, which was already poor, nose-dived.  They stopped washing him, hid his catheter under the bedclothes, and folded the bag up double for some inexplicable reason.  They also withdrew all drugs and set up a morphine pump, although we noticed there were never any of the sponges in the room that they said we could wet his lips with, in fact they only turned up when he was on deep sedation.  It was also cruel that he had witnessed the death of his father in law in his own home on the same scheme that was now robbing him of his life – and he knew exactly what was happening to him.  The old gent however did have terminal cancer and was suffering.  Larry was thought to be ‘suffering’ even when he cleared his throat or had wind, no one was taking any notice of what was really going on with him, and those of us that did were ignored.  Larry only began to suffer when he was dehydrated and starved to death and had he actually been ‘terminally ill’ as they said, then surely he would have died anyway, without the dehydration and the horrible scenes that burned themselves onto our memories and split our family in two forever.

It seems there was no justice for Larry, but I have always believed in karma, that what goes around comes around, so there is no hatred from me to anyone involved in Larry’s death, I don’t deal in hate.  All I ask is that they remember his name and what they put him through, how they made him suffer in the name of ‘not suffering’.  I hope that they one day fully understand what it is that they have done on a mere whim.  Interestingly the inquest into Larry’s death was also rushed forward and took place two days before Christmas.  Many of us who wanted to, couldn’t attend – with the snow preventing travel for my relatives who don’t live in London, others being very busy at work at that time of year.  I couldn’t go because I spent six weeks in bed with severe and painful sciatica, unable to walk, and couldn’t even manage to get a doctor to return my calls during that time, how I love the NHS.  Christmas didn’t happen at all in 2010 for us, we had no heart for celebration anyhow.  Two of my brothers did manage to attend the inquest, and it confirmed a few things we suspected about Larry’s treatment.

The most interesting thing to happen since was that his death certificate didn’t mention ‘The Liverpool Care Pathway’ at all (although it was mentioned in the inquest), instead it was all wrapped up neatly citing that his death was the result of ‘intra-cranial haemorrhage and bronchial pneumonia, the result of the accident in France’ – the only thing is that Larry had ASPIRATIONAL pneumonia, due to the constant reflux of his liquid food, time and again we told the nurses that he was supposed to be elevated when fed and time after time they had him lying flat.  I never once heard the word ‘bronchial’ mentioned during his entire time in hospital.  While researching aspirational pneumonia I noted that there is apparently no proof that aspirational pneumonia responds to antibiotics AT ALL.  I also read up about the ultra-broad spectrum antibiotic they used on him and was horrified to discover that it was capable of causing atrophy to all the muscles of the spine, leaving me to wonder if they did a wonderful clean up job to sweep it all under the carpet?  Although I am not a medical person and cannot claim to have all the answers, I did know my brother well enough.  I would imagine that the intra-cranial haemorrhage would seem most likely to have been the result of both the dehydration and the withdrawal of the blood-thinner warfarin that was previously preventing his blood from clotting while he was bedridden.  To top it all off when my sister asked for a transcript of the inquest she was told she couldn’t have one, even though the government website clearly states that ‘any interested party can obtain a copy of the inquest information for the cost of an administration fee’, my sister is both an ‘interested party’ and was quite happy to pay the administration fee, so it seems quite odd to me that she was refused information about her own brother’s inquest, which had they not rushed it forward by a couple of months, she would have been there in person, we all would.

The saga of Larry’s death has caused wounds so deep, in so many people that they will possibly never heal completely.  The one thing that we can all agree on is what a wonderful, kind human being he was.  Our love runs deep and everyone who knew Larry well is going to continue to miss having him in their lives, those who might find it easy to go on without him probably never really knew him to start with.  Despite our feelings about what has happened and the relationships that may have broken down as a result, Larry was a man of good humour, truth and honour, a more well-balanced and non-judgmental man I’ve never met, and he deserved so much more respect than he ever got, and someone needed to say that.

So that’s why I’ve been quiet.

Soo x

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